Mommy Mortality

Ever since Courtney was born, I have a different view on mortality. Well, maybe I just have a view. I guess I never really thought much about it before. I mean, I know that someday I'm going to die and all that but it hasn't really been something I've given a ton of thought to.

But now, now I think about it. And not like every day or anything but it's something that carries an awful lot of weight. I'm responsible for this little person now. I'm supposed to care for her and keep her safe and raise her to be a beautiful, smart and independent woman. She's going to need someone to talk to about boys and school and friends and books and so so much. And I need to ensure that I'm here every step of the way to hold her hand and help her grow.

I feel differently when I'm in the car, especially on my own. I am more cautious, less likely to speed up when I see a yellow light (don't act like you don't do that too). I went to the dermatologist yesterday to get some moles checked. Years and years of playing in the sun with no sunscreen was pretty dumb, now that I'm thinking about it. There were YEARS when the skin on my nose was peeling all the time from so much sun. I'm petrified of melanoma. I went for a physical a few weeks ago and had a complete blood workup done, what if I have some disease and don't even know it. (My iron is a little high but otherwise I'm fine.)

And I'm questioning everything. Why am I bruising so much? Why is the skin on my ear peeling? Why do I get these funky headaches? I don't know that I'm becoming a hypochondriac but I could be pushing the envelope. I'm pretty sure this morbid view on mortality will pass at some point but in the meantime, I'm going to keep taking my vitamins, wear my sunscreen and slow down when I'm driving.