Here it is... Hemorrhoids

One of the many joyful side effects of pregnancy are hemorrhoids. If you've been an avid reader of KC, you know that I skated through pregnancy with nary a side effect. OK, I had, and still have, wicked dandruff but that's it. (And it's pretty irritating, I have to say.) I didn't get stretch marks. I did get that line on your belly but not until way late in the game and it was gone just as quickly as it appeared. I had no morning sickness. I wasn't tired all the time. And I didn't gain some obscene amount of weight. (I did gain 30 pounds but I didn't really look like it.) I lost all my weight pretty quickly, the line in my stomach went away and I was fortunate not to have to deal with any postpartum depression. And, I was really lucky not to have any hemorrhoidal issues when I was pregnant.

I went into the hospital to be induced and ended up with a c-section. They ripped open my stomach (I could post pictures of that but will draw the line there), pulled a human out of my belly and put me back together. Like any post-surgical patient, I had to have a bowel movement before they discharged me from the hospital. And because Aetna would only pay for 3 nights in the hospital, the kind nurses and doctors pumped me full of stool softners. Let's just say that they did their job and I was sent home on time, or according to Aetna's clock, as the case may be.

Fast forward a few days, the drugs wear off and things go downhill. Fast. But, downhill they go and then they stop. Dead. At the gates to glory. And then things get backed up. Is this making sense? Are you getting what I'm trying to say? There are things that I need to do, but can't. But I can't not go for the next 40 years. So I go. And OHMYGODITHINKI'MDYING. Call an ambulance. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME TO KEEP TAKING STOOL SOFTNERS??? I almost passed out on the toilet. Seriously.

And that was almost exactly 8 months ago. And I'll never forget it, it's burned an ugly hole into my brain. And now. Things are not much better. They're so not better I've had to go to a GI doctor and a colon rectal doctor. And for the icing on the cake, I had to have a "thing" done this morning. Yeah, a "thing." Down "there." Again, do you understand where I'm talking about? And what makes no sense, they're going to cut muscles in my butt to improve the problems with my butt. I know, TMI, but such is my life.

I had two options for this little procedure: I could go in for surgery and be put under or, I could go to the doctors office for a local anesthetic and they could do this "thing" in 10 minutes. I went for option 2 so I could continue to nurse and wouldn't be all groggy and stuff. They guaranteed me it would be painless, minus the actual injection. And they weren't kidding. Holy SHIT it hurt. There wasn't just one injection, there were THREE. In my BUTT. (On a side note, who decides that for a living they want to spend their days inspecting peoples butts?)

We shall see what the rest of the day will bring.

So bring on the jokes. I can take it.