To work or not to work?

That seems to be the question. And not just for me but for other moms I've met as well. One of the moms I've met is supposed to go back to work on Monday and she's freaking out. She doesn't want to go to work and put her baby in daycare but she's also afraid of what will become of her if she doesn't work.

I'm fortunate that I don't have to go back to work at this time but I'm going to have to go back at some point. Our plan is for me to stay home through the end of the year and start working again next year. But what if after spending 12-13 months at home with Courtney, I really don't want to go back to work. I'd think I'd want to go back to work even less after all that time at home with her. But then I think of all the things that I want to do, places we want to go, and how we're going to educate our kids and I think that I'm going to have to work. We can't afford for me not to. Then I think about putting my baby girl in a daycare and I could cry. And then I think we'll have baby #2 and I'll have to work and I won't get these early days at home with him/her. I just don't know how you make life work on one income. I know people do it all the time, can you explain to me how people make it work?

What a nice weekend

This has been the oddest spring. The weather has been so weird - it rains off and on everyday, the temperature hasn't been that warm or it's been crazy soupy humid. I can't keep track. We went to SC to Jim and Ellen's lake house this weekend and had a really relaxing time. Courtney took it all in stride and loved spending time with her cousins. She was passed from teen to teen to teen and didn't seem to even notice. Jessie is super cute, wanting to hold Courtney all the time. I hope that when Courtney is 4 or 5 and her cousins are 16 or 17, they'll still pay attention to her. I can just picture her idolizing them and wanting to play with them all the time.

Anyway, Courtney is getting so squirmy! I have to be careful when I put her on the changing table as she flips all around and is so interested in everything that's going on (even if there's nothing going on). There's nothing cuter than a little baby butt squirming around the table, as long as she doesn't pee on me. Feeding her is becoming difficult too. I'll nurse for a minute and then she looks all around, then she'll nurse for another minute and then she'll flip over (she flips over a lot these days!) - I just have to hope that she's getting enough to eat.

Happy 6 Months!

Update: I tried with all my might to post this on the 20th but the Internet was conspiring against me. The video wouldn't upload and then I had issues with the music and blah blah blah.

Today marks a special day in the Holder household, it's Courtney's 6 month birth-iversary! It's amazing that she's 6 months old already, where has the time gone? I remember her birth like it was yesterday. I am trying not to remember the special week when all she did was scream and I walked laps around the pool in hopes that she'd calm down. But all of our moments have been special, in their own little way. It will be amazing to see what the next 6 months will bring us, I just hope they don't go too fast, I don't want my baby girl to grow up before I'm ready! Not that you're ever ready....

If the video doesn't stream well for you, you can also watch it here. http://www.vimeo.com/4763879

Courtney's First 6 Months from Karen Holder on Vimeo.

My Best Days

I've been reading this blog of this couple who lost their child about a month ago. She was only 17 months or so and while she's had some issues because she was a preemie, no one expected her death. They are, of course, having a terrible time and every day is a struggle.

The dad just posted about his best days and how we don't spend enough time thinking about our best days. I couldn't agree more.

My best day ever, of course, was the day that Courtney was born. I'll never forget that day, or the day leading up to it. I can't believe it was 6 months ago (but more on that on the 20th).

My second best day was the day I married Paul. It's hard to imagine that was almost 2 years ago. On some levels it seems like only yesterday and on others it seems like a life time ago.

Other best days:

• The day I got laid off from AutoTrader. I never would have quit ATC on my own and I would have missed out on spending all this time with Courtney.
• Riding across Montana and Europe with my dad - despite the weather.
  
• Spending a week in England with my mom when I was 13.
• The 2 weeks Paul and I spent in Tahiti.
• The day I got Hunter.
  
• The summer I was 16 and got my drivers license, despite the fact that I was grounded all summer for being a twit.
  
• The semester I spent in Florence.
  

I'm sure there are more but I think it's important not to forget our best days. Life is so fragile, we never know when our best days are overshadowed by the bad.

Baby #2?

No no, I'm not pregnant. Heaven help me if I were.... But, Paul and I talk about it quite a bit and we definitely hope to have another one. We'd prefer to have a baby sooner rather than later but not too soon. Paul seems to think if we can have #2 and get our kids out of diapers as quickly as possible, all will be right in the world. I think that I'm NOT ready to gain 30 pounds again and then not sleep for 4-6 months (maybe 6-8, taking in to consideration the sleep you don't get when you're pregnant), all in the interest of getting through the diaper stages. On the flip side, we're not getting any younger so we'll need to get the show on the road soon.

Because I had a c-section with Courtney, I would like our next baby to be VBAC - vaginal birth after cesarean. Well, I'd like to at least try for that. I really think there's nothing normal about removing a baby through one's abdomen. However, there are risks to VBAC's and many doctors won't do them. Once you have a c-section, they'll only allow you to have a c-section. There are risks involved with VBAC's but women do them all the time and are fine. I think it's important to be educated and to have a doctor who's competent and experienced with theses types of deliveries. Things don't always work out as planned and if I end uphaving a c-section, that's fine, as long as I have a healthy baby.

Paul will be happy to know that for baby #2, we'll be going with an OB over a midwife. Sadly, they want you to wait at least a year before you get pregnant again if you're going to attempt a VBAC.

Mothers Day

First of all, Happy Mothers Day to all the mamas out there! I hope you all had a great day and an extra special Mama's Day to all the new mamas - yay, we've joined the club!

I had a very enjoyable first Mothers Day. We slept in late and went to brunch as a family. I had a lovely breakfast but because of silly blue laws, I couldn't have a celebratory mimosa or bloody Mary as we went too early (11:30 being "too early"). We then visited with a friend and his mom and they were able to love on Courtney for the first time. Paul took all the baby duties from me today, minus what he couldn't physically do for himself, and I chilled on the couch reading Eclipse (I have to say, Bella is irritating me and if she were a real person, I'd have to slap her silly - but I digress). Then, as an extra special treat, I went to the movies!! YAY MOVIES!! I love going to the movies. I love to get lost in the story, in the dark, with my popcorn. I saw my first ever Star Trek movie (I've never even seen a tv episode) and I really enjoyed it although the inside jokes were all lost on me. Regardless, it was a great day!

I love being a mom. Courtney is so adorable these days. She's a real little person with a real personality. She reaches out to us and she laughs and smiles and talks and talks and talks. And she cries and cries but those tears are few and far between and the smiles and laughs make it all worth it. I worry sometimes that I'm not doing a good job or that she's not going to develop the way she should be. I don't spend any time reading about milestones or really worrying about where she "should" be with this that and the other but I don't know what I'm doing, I don't want to mess it up. I mean, she's growing like a weed, she eats like a champ and I love her with all my might. But what if she doesn't learn to walk until she's 4 or read until she's 12. Ok, that's an exaggeration but you know what I mean. I'll just do the best I can and continue to be the best mom I can be.

Courtney and Her Daddy

Courtney and I got home from our weekend in CT tonight. Paul was kind of worried that Courtney wasn't going to remember him. She definitely remembered him.

(Disclaimer: She was baby hysterical up until the point at which I got out the video camera.)

Family fun

Kisses from Uncle Kevy

Special time with Grandpa

Courtney and I flew up to Hartford on Thursday to spend a long weekend with my family (minus Brian, Carly and Joyce). Courtney was an angel on the flight but it was a much different experience than our last trip. She's MUCH bigger than she was at 5 weeks old when we made this trip last. In December she slept almost the entire time in my lap and took up very little space. This time, she was awake most of the time and is a very wiggly baby. She also kept kicking my seatmate (a super nice man) and made lots of noise. She was mostly "talking" but I'm not sure everyone appreciated her excitement as much as I did. But she handled the takeoff and landing like a pro. I will say, flying with her on my own was more exhausting than I thought it would be.

We've had a very nice weekend with my folks and grandmother. She was a very happy baby and was quite the love to everyone. The cutest though was Courtney's Uncle Kevin, he was such a love with Courtney. When he first saw her on Friday morning, after he gave her a bunch of kisses, he was all, "I have to take her picture" and rushed to get the camera. Every chance he had, he was holding her, kissing her, playing with her and generally being a great uncle. I wish that Kevin was able to see Courtney more often, sometimes it's sad that we live so far away. Of course, Kevin could come see us more than once every 4.5 years... (I'm just saying, Kev.)

After a very quiet and relaxing weekend, we're heading home today. I'm hoping that Courtney is as well behaved as she was on the way up. We're on another full flight so I'm hoping our seatmate is just as nice as on the way up. Fingers crossed!!