SO Big

Courtney seems to get bigger by the second. Actually, she doesn't seem that much bigger to me until she stands up and can reach things I never thought she'd be able to reach. Then I'm all like, "Kid, where are you getting that height from because it's totally not me." And I guess getting SO big is all part of the growing process, which is fine and good, but I need to keep her small so I can lug that kid around.

OK, OK. I can't "keep her small." Fine, be like that. But I need a new baby carrier to carry her around with me. We use the Baby Bjorn pretty regularly these days. For some reason she'd rather be strapped in the carrier than strapped in the stroller. And like the doting mom that I am, I oblige her whims when she screams in the store and I strap her on. I'm pretty sure she's playing me. But the Baby Bjorn is killing my shoulders because that kid is getting big and all. Kinda heavy even.

So, I'm going to evaluate some carriers. I'm going to try the Ergo, the Sherpani and the Baby Hawk. I'm going to pay for them all myself, carry Courtney around the world and stuff and return what doesn't work for us. Hopefully she won't hurl on any of them. I really want something where I can carry her in the front and in the back. But lots of back carriers I've seen don't allow the baby to see over your shoulders, which is a must for us. I like the look of the Baby Hawk, it comes in some great fabrics but it seems to have a lot of fabric to strap it on. The Sherpani came recommended from a friend but looks like it'll take up a lot of space. And the Ergo is the Ergo and people love it but we'll see how it works for me.

Oh, and whatever I decide on, Courtney can't end up on the floor while I'm trying to strap her in.

Loneliness

I love being a stay at home mom. I told Paul the other day that I thought I was born to be a mom (he laughed at me, jerk). Looking at my resume, there are a lot of jobs on there, but that's all they are. Jobs. J.O.B.S. They didn't mean much. Sure, I enjoyed working at AutoTrader, I was there for almost 8 years after all. I mean, if I didn't work there, I wouldn't have met Paul and there wouldn't be a Courtney and who knows where I would be. But those places were work and while they paid the bills, I certainly didn't like getting up every morning.

But now I've got Courtney to keep me busy every day. She's my job, my work, and I love it. Some days it's definitely work. Tiring work. Exhausting work. Confusing and overwhelming, but not as much any more. But it's still work.

Courtney isn't much for the chit chat yet. There's no office gossip. There's no water cooler chat. She has yet to invite me to happy hour. I mean, come on now kid. And I'm not really one for the phone. As a matter of fact, I kind of hate it. (I wonder if that has something to do with the thousands of hours I spent on the phone in high school and college.) So if we don't get out of the house one day, and I don't have anything planned, then I don't actually talk to anyone until Paul gets home from work. And that can get pretty lonely.

As I've mentioned before, Courtney and I keep pretty busy. We've done exercise classes and lunch with friends. Sometimes we hang out with my SIL or just run errands. But that seems to have scaled back some and if I'm not careful, I find that I haven't left the house in two days and I've spoken to no one. (At least I shower and brush my teeth though.) Maybe that's why I read so many blogs, it's my window to the world. I need to make sure that I continue to schedule things for us. It'll keep me sane and I'm pretty sure Courtney would benefit from a sane mom.

It's weird though, I try and schedule things 3-4 days a week but some weeks I feel like it's too much and some weeks I feel like it's not enough. I think part of it is that there's only so much I can do in a day before she's had enough. I mean, there's a window there and I have to respect it. I know when she gets older, our window will get larger but in the meantime, I'll keep scheduling things between naps.

And if you feel like doing something, let me know. I'd love to get together and go walking, go to lunch, or whatever strikes your fancy. Sometimes I get a little lonely.

Take that 'Roids

After last weeks nip tuck to repair my hemorrhoids, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much better. I've been taking my stool softeners, drinking my Metamucil and drinking buckets of water. I was sore for several days but as of today, I feel like a million bucks. Or, like I did pre-blowout. Apparently this procedure works for 95% of people, I desperately hope I'm not one of those 5% that this doesn't work for in the long run. Oh, and so far, I don't appear to be one of those people that now leaks "fluid" and can't control their gas. There's only so much I can blame on the dog. Lucky Paul!!

Hopefully that will be the end of all chatter about my butt.

Courtney has been working on eating finger foods. It's slow going but she's getting the hang of it. She hasn't quite grasped the pincer grasp, the ability to pick food up with her fingers, so she kind of gets the food into her fist. From there she hasn't gotten the hang of getting it out of her fist and into her mouth. But then, she can't always get the food off of the tray.

To Nurse or Not to Nurse

I've been nursing my baby girl for 8 months and 1 week. Which is about 4 months and 1 week longer than I originally thought I would. I thought I'd nurse for a few months and then go to the bottle and be done with it. It turns out that I really liked nursing my beautiful girl. I loved bringing her into the bed in the morning and spending that time with her. I love the convenience of it all, I never have to lug around formula or bottles of water, and I never run out of milk. In the middle of the night, I don't have to mess with lights and stairs and mixing things and all that crap.

I've been nursing my baby girl for 8 months and 1 week and I'm getting a little tired of it. I'm tired of being on call all the time. I'm tired of wearing ugly nursing bras. I'm tired of my boobs hanging to my knees. I'm tired of always having to stop what I'm doing when she's hungry. I've now flashed my boobs for most of the Greater Atlanta area and anyone else I seem to pass. I'm just kind of tired of it.

The American Academy of Pediatrics suggests you should nurse for a year for the best health benefits for Courtney. But I think that 8 - 9 months is really pretty impressive, way more than lots of people. But I'm tired of it. Did I mention that?

So I'm thinking of weaning Courtney. I'm not sure how that's going to go. She hardly ever gets a bottle and we're actually trying to get her on to sippy cups anyway. The past couple of times she's gotten a bottle, she's just gummed it and hasn't actually drank anything from it. Formula or milk is the most important part of her diet until she's a year old so it's not like we can just quit and move her to water.

Ugh, I don't know what to do. I'm not going to do anything about it today or tomorrow but I need to make a decision on this soon. OK, I don't need to but I want to. I would miss the time we have together, just the two of us, but maybe I could get that in other ways. Maybe?

Moms and Dads

Paul is a great dad. He loves Courtney and is really good with her. He tolerates her climbing all over him during family time in the bed in the mornings (my favorite time of the day), he makes her laugh when they're together, he does the bath time/bed time routine every night, and is a bigger help than I ever could have hoped for. He even lets me sleep in some (read: many) weekend mornings when I'm too exhausted to face the day.

Paul is also a working dad. So five days a week, regardless of how we've slept the night before, he gets out of bed and goes to the office. He makes decisions, manages people, sits in endless meetings, puts up with bad decisions made by others, usually has lunch with his friends, sits in traffic and comes home to us at night.

I too work, just in a different way. I feed and care for Courtney, I make sure that she's dressed and clean, that she's stimulated, has toys to play with, doesn't stick her fingers in outlets, and survives on a daily basis. In between all that, I do laundry (which never seems to end), I grocery shop, I occasionally make dinner for us, I attempt to bathe myself, go to playgroups with my mom friends, sometimes go to the gym and other miscellaneous items every day. I do get some downtime to surf the web or read a book, maybe sew a headband or two, but I keep pretty busy.

Then there are the weekends. I'd like to do some things, like get a mani and pedi, run some errands, maybe go to the movies, on my own. In the summer, Paul would like to sit by the pool and relax or he'd like to sit inside and surf the Internet. But the parental duties don't ever go away, we still need to keep that little baby fed, clean and alive. We prefer her that way.

So how do we decide who does what and when? How do we divide pool time vs spa time vs family time and all of that? Today I proposed to Paul that we come up with a schedule of sorts. That didn't go over well. I think the minute he heard "schedule," I lost him and the conversation ended. Actually, it turned into a joke about custody and is this "his" time with Courtney vs my time. At least I think it was a joke. I didn't mean I want to schedule our weekends for the rest of the year, just as they come up (as they do every week) and there are things we want to do. So if Paul wants to sit by the pool on a Saturday, that's perfect, as long as I know I get to go to the movies on a Sunday. Or, maybe during the "long" nap of the day (whenever that may be) he can sit by the pool and I can run some errands. I dunno, I'm not really sure how this all works and know that it's easier with one kid than it will be someday with 2. So we had better learn how to coexist on this matter (no, I'm not pregnant) so when #2 does come along, we know what works.

I know that Paul needs his down time. He needs happy hours and pool time and lunches with the guys to stay sane. And I definitely appreciate that. But I need down time too. How do you make this work? How do you decide who does what and when and both keep those things that hold you together?

Another week survived

After a bunch of shots, surgery on my ass, moles removed from my body, not enough sleep, and my mortality contemplated, we've ended the week quietly.


Courtney is sporting her new, homemade headband but she's not very happy about it. I think it's adorable, she thinks it's a nuisance.

Courtney decided that she would play with the red bricks Paul bought after all. She was a little disgruntled with them though and threw up in one. Much to Paul's dismay, we only have 31 bricks left.

I know she looks like a little boy here but I figured we weren't leaving the house that day so it didn't matter what she was wearing. She looks like a little bad ass.

And here she's just cute.

Aaaaand, this is our new dining room table!! It's 9 feet long and has 8 chairs. We will be able to seat 12 though, using our kitchen chairs. Thanks to Michael at European Antique Pine for making this for us!


I'm most excited! This means we can stop using our patio furniture inside during the winter. I'm planning on hosting my first Christmas Eve at my own home this year, so we can eat at our new table (which won't be new by then). (Ellen, I'd like to host Christmas Eve, we'll discuss more later.)

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I'm hoping there are naps, mani/pedi's, and some relaxation in my future.

Mommy Mortality

Ever since Courtney was born, I have a different view on mortality. Well, maybe I just have a view. I guess I never really thought much about it before. I mean, I know that someday I'm going to die and all that but it hasn't really been something I've given a ton of thought to.

But now, now I think about it. And not like every day or anything but it's something that carries an awful lot of weight. I'm responsible for this little person now. I'm supposed to care for her and keep her safe and raise her to be a beautiful, smart and independent woman. She's going to need someone to talk to about boys and school and friends and books and so so much. And I need to ensure that I'm here every step of the way to hold her hand and help her grow.

I feel differently when I'm in the car, especially on my own. I am more cautious, less likely to speed up when I see a yellow light (don't act like you don't do that too). I went to the dermatologist yesterday to get some moles checked. Years and years of playing in the sun with no sunscreen was pretty dumb, now that I'm thinking about it. There were YEARS when the skin on my nose was peeling all the time from so much sun. I'm petrified of melanoma. I went for a physical a few weeks ago and had a complete blood workup done, what if I have some disease and don't even know it. (My iron is a little high but otherwise I'm fine.)

And I'm questioning everything. Why am I bruising so much? Why is the skin on my ear peeling? Why do I get these funky headaches? I don't know that I'm becoming a hypochondriac but I could be pushing the envelope. I'm pretty sure this morbid view on mortality will pass at some point but in the meantime, I'm going to keep taking my vitamins, wear my sunscreen and slow down when I'm driving.

Here it is... Hemorrhoids

One of the many joyful side effects of pregnancy are hemorrhoids. If you've been an avid reader of KC, you know that I skated through pregnancy with nary a side effect. OK, I had, and still have, wicked dandruff but that's it. (And it's pretty irritating, I have to say.) I didn't get stretch marks. I did get that line on your belly but not until way late in the game and it was gone just as quickly as it appeared. I had no morning sickness. I wasn't tired all the time. And I didn't gain some obscene amount of weight. (I did gain 30 pounds but I didn't really look like it.) I lost all my weight pretty quickly, the line in my stomach went away and I was fortunate not to have to deal with any postpartum depression. And, I was really lucky not to have any hemorrhoidal issues when I was pregnant.

I went into the hospital to be induced and ended up with a c-section. They ripped open my stomach (I could post pictures of that but will draw the line there), pulled a human out of my belly and put me back together. Like any post-surgical patient, I had to have a bowel movement before they discharged me from the hospital. And because Aetna would only pay for 3 nights in the hospital, the kind nurses and doctors pumped me full of stool softners. Let's just say that they did their job and I was sent home on time, or according to Aetna's clock, as the case may be.

Fast forward a few days, the drugs wear off and things go downhill. Fast. But, downhill they go and then they stop. Dead. At the gates to glory. And then things get backed up. Is this making sense? Are you getting what I'm trying to say? There are things that I need to do, but can't. But I can't not go for the next 40 years. So I go. And OHMYGODITHINKI'MDYING. Call an ambulance. WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME TO KEEP TAKING STOOL SOFTNERS??? I almost passed out on the toilet. Seriously.

And that was almost exactly 8 months ago. And I'll never forget it, it's burned an ugly hole into my brain. And now. Things are not much better. They're so not better I've had to go to a GI doctor and a colon rectal doctor. And for the icing on the cake, I had to have a "thing" done this morning. Yeah, a "thing." Down "there." Again, do you understand where I'm talking about? And what makes no sense, they're going to cut muscles in my butt to improve the problems with my butt. I know, TMI, but such is my life.

I had two options for this little procedure: I could go in for surgery and be put under or, I could go to the doctors office for a local anesthetic and they could do this "thing" in 10 minutes. I went for option 2 so I could continue to nurse and wouldn't be all groggy and stuff. They guaranteed me it would be painless, minus the actual injection. And they weren't kidding. Holy SHIT it hurt. There wasn't just one injection, there were THREE. In my BUTT. (On a side note, who decides that for a living they want to spend their days inspecting peoples butts?)

We shall see what the rest of the day will bring.

So bring on the jokes. I can take it.

A new blog

As I've mentioned before, I read a lot of blogs. There's something about a view into another's world that is so interesting. It's a voyeuristic view, in a nonsexual kind of way. I read blogs to see what other moms are going through. I read about homemade baby food. I read about the lack of intimacy that new parents go through. I read about hemorrhoids. I read about first steps, first words, big brothers, younger sisters, fertility issues, financial woes, love, laughter and life in all it's joys and sorrows. I read about those that have lost children and those that have lost spouses. And I've only just scratched the surface. The Internet is a never ending open book on people and their lives. And a lot of what I read, I read because it's what I'm going through now as well. It's what I can relate to. Or what I hope to never have to relate to. Or what I want to learn more about. It's what my peers are living and experiencing. It's what's happening in my generation.

I feel like I've been doing myself a disservice. Sure, I blog 3 - 5 times a week. I post pictures of Courtney, myself, Hunter, the damn squirrels or whatever crosses our paths, day by day. I put some video up there of Courtney because she's SO cute and I know my grandmother and other's like to see her in action. But it's all awfully superficial. I mean, there has to be more to my life than the damn squirrels and the tomatoes. (Although, that drives me NUTS and causes me some serious angst.) Right? Maybe? I'd like to think so.

So from here on out, the tone of Karen Chatters is going to change a bit. I'm going to stop holding back. Yes, there will still be pictures and videos of Courtney and stories about those rodents known as squirrels. There will be an awful lot about my life as a mom, because that's who I am and part of how I define myself these days. But there will also be some of the dirty little secrets that I haven't been posting about. If my language offends you, I do apologize but I can't keep holding back on who I really am. I mean, this is Karen Chatters and it has to be more about the dog hair that's taking over my life, the mess my house has become and my exciting trips to Ikea. Right?

So for good or bad, hang in there. Because here comes more about me than you EVER wanted to know.

A window to the world

One of my favorite things so far about being a parent is seeing the world through Courtney's eyes. Everything is new. Everything is exciting. For Courtney, seeing Hunter 5 times a day is new and exciting, every time. Paul coming home from work is the best part of her day. When you go into her room after her nap, she flaps her arms in excitement and smiles with joy. It's like she hasn't seen you in years. It's amazing.

As an adult, or even as a teenager and on, we become so jaded to the world around us. As teenagers we're SO smart, we know everything and the beauty around us goes unnoticed. As a blossoming adult, we see the world as a place full of opportunity but something we can conquer, a place that owes us our next achievement. In our 20's we begin to settle into adulthood but we're still better and smarter than the big picture. And in our 30's we find our place and really come into our own. I don't know what happens in our 40's but I'm sure I'll find out with a new vision.


The world is a new place for me though. What I thought I knew isn't as it once seemed. What I thought I saw isn't as it once appeared. And I have Courtney to thank for that. I am seeing the world through her eyes. At this stage when she looks into the mirror, it's with wonder and amazement. She doesn't yet know that the baby looking back at her is an image of herself. We do things or go places and it's an entirely new experience. When was the last time you looked out the window and it was like you'd never seen a window before? Courtney will look out the window and squeal with excitement. She sees the bushes, the trees, the stupid squirrels, and it brings her joy. It takes her to a place that she's never been before. It opens her mind to possibilities that she never new existed.



I'd like to throw away the tinted glasses that cover my eyes and see the world through Courtney's rose colored glasses, for just a day or as long as she'll allow me.