Fear

I didn't sleep well at all last night. Part of it was that I wasn't really all that tired at bed time but the other part was due to my overactive imagination. I'm petrified that Courtney's going to get kidnapped while I'm sleeping. At every noise, creak and bump in the night, I'm convinced that someone is in the house. I don't feel like this during the day, just at night. During the day, I'll be sitting on the couch playing on the computer or sitting outside reading the book, and I'm not in the least bit worried. But at night with our door shut and my mind going into overdrive, I'm freaked out. I find myself staring at Courtney on the video monitor just waiting for someone to reach into her crib and make off with my baby. It's ridiculous. There's no one in the house and no one is going to take my baby, I just need to fall asleep already.

Once I get past my kidnapping fear, then what? When I was pregnant, I was afraid of the unknown: would the baby be healthy? Would she have all her fingers and toes? What if something goes wrong? And most of that stuff are things that you just can't control. Then the baby is born and (with the first child, especially) there's so much to worry about: why is she crying? Is she getting enough to eat? Why won't she sleep? How do I cut her nails without cutting off her finger tips? And there's all the fear about SIDS. There's always something.

This is a lot of worrying about someone who's only 6 months old. I have YEARS and YEARS of worrying to go. Does this mean that for the next 18 years I'm not going to sleep at all? I don't know if I can handle 18 years with no sleep. Will I start worrying less at some point? I sure hope so.